
In a brief essay for Pacific Standard, Nicole Allan probes her long-distance relationship in the context of recent scientific research. Citing a recent research paper "showing that long-distance couples feel greater intimacy than those who live in the same place", Nicole wonders if the idealization engendered by long-distance intimacy ultimately amounts to a net cost or benefit.
The study in question showed that members of long-distance "couples reveal more about themselves, and perceive their partners to be more revealing as well". Nicole wisely observes the writing on the wall:
This is a form of “idealization,” or the tendency to view your partner and your relationship in an unrealistically positive light. It is a hallmark of long-distance relationships, a reason why many geographically remote partners feel more connected to each other than those who wake up in the same bed do. This effect is likely familiar to the three million married Americans and up to one-half of American college students who are currently geographically separated from their partners. Given these numbers, it’s also worth noting the flip side of idealization, which is that it contributes to making long-distance couples more likely, whenever they do manage to align their geographic trajectories, to break up.
This is the point where it seems fair to confess that Nicole is my favorite kind of girl- a woman asks herself big, impossible questions and sets about to find answers. A girl after my own curious heart. For example, Nicole pays close attention to the indiscreet details of how we revise others in light of romantic love. She worries about the way her "nightly conversations" with Joel make it easy to become curators in the museum of self. She pauses before the way in which selective self-presentation offers a lop-sided picture of life- one weighed heavily towards the sublime, one that finds little space for the mundane. And she doesn't shy away from a study by communications theorists Laura Stafford and Andy J. Merolla which found that the long-distance couples who idealized each other the most were the least stable upon reunion. Pragmatic thinking suggests Nicole should idealize "not too little, not too much".
Idealization, in a sense, implies an ongoing infidelity. The ideal person to whom one is faithful is a perfect creature whom we can count on remembering fondly in the near future, especially with many miles between us. At some point- usually when the geographic distance is overcome- we must decide whether our fidelity applies as surely to the real lover as it did to the ideal one. And there are no two ways about it- no way to split the difference between idealization and reality. The supernatural essence of idealization makes it hard for me to imagine how one might go about applying an Aristotlean course of moderation to a perspective that insists on pies in the sky.
Any self-respecting Protestant will tell you that demystifying the sublime leaves you with pizza and indoor basketball courts.
As an avid former practioner of the long-distance romance, I discovered my own reasons for cultivating cross-country relationships. There was nothing quite so exciting as those weekends where the most fascinating thing we could find to do was each other. Unlike the pickled romances of my colleagues, my long-range lovers and I rarely bickered or argued over trivial matters. Granted, we weren't that involved in the trivial aspects of one anothers' lives.
But the pros generally outweighed the cons. I appreciated the way every communication proved amenable to my editing and rewriting skills. Frankly, a person is never quite as pliant in the flesh as they tend to be on paper. My long-distance lovers benefitted from my tendency to interpret their comments and actions in light of the stories I longed to tell. Likewise, I found myself impressed by the tenderness with which they approached their own editing tasks. This woman they loved- the character they wrote me into- I couldn't get enough of her charms.
It's a fact that long-distance makes great fodder for fiction. Loving from far away gives us more control over the creation of our own narrative self- the person whom we wish to be when we line up our emotions, values, feelings, and hopes. Not to mention the time saved by only having to shave one's legs once or twice a month before conjugal visits.
In his book, The Happiness of Pursuit, Shimon Edelmen describes the narrative self as the "growing, often rehearsed, incessantly revised personal anthology", the series of scripts, social behaviors, and stories we use to construct and maintain our personal identity. Edelman observes that human emotions are essentially "computational shortcuts that funnel" the results of our self-monitoring and observations. Our emotions matter in the grand scheme of things because our emotions ultimately structure our responses and reactions to the world around us over time. We need the past, Edelman insists, to deal with the future. This imperative to construct and maintain a narrative self is key to our survival and thriving.
Putting a positive spin on things keeps us from wallowing in melancholy and adding too many Leonard Cohen songs to the party playlist. Our narrative selves learn from mistakes and adapt accordingly. The love we lost wasn't such a bad thing since it made way for the love we currently inhabit. But idealization, as a cognitive approach, makes level-headed analysis almost impossible.
Long-distance love is an ideal vehicle for nourishing and sustaining romantic love. But only over the long distance. Usually, the lovers tend to feel betrayed by the sides not represented in the ideal. Sharing an apartment means you don't have to vacuum it in a mad dash before your lover's weekend visit. Instead, you have the opportunity to argue over whose career or schedule most sensibly accomodates vacuuming duties. These are the sorts of conversations that make or break the kingdom of couple-dom. Sadly, my long-distance lovers and I wasted many years before arriving at a point when the importance of vacuuming duties could be dully addressed and divvied.

Infographic sourced from LDR magazine.
If my descriptions of shared domestic life sound as if they emanate from another planet, that is because they do. The distance between long-distance love and day-to-day-coupling can be measured in light years. Waiting to cross that bridge when you come to it only ensures the costs of divestment accrue over time.
Fortunately, I am not the only sourpuss with opinions on the merits of long-distance love affairs. When the goodbye's get tough and you find yourself wondering why pining and loneliness share so many common traits, you can thank your lucky stars-and-stripes for the way in which the free-market responds to all our needs, including the needs we never knew existed until we bought the latest how-to-be-happier book on a longer-than-expected layover in Atlanta's awful airport. As a matter of social scientific fact, the emerging market for long-distance lover self-help might be able to give you what the perfect lover cannot.
LDR magazine (yes, that's "Long Distance Relationship" magazine) can give you tips on everything from the best instant messaging services to how to plan your long-distance wedding. The visually-inclined will also find a cornucopia of infographics illustrating the various costs, benefits, dividends, retrenchments, and pay-offs of a love that refuses to be bound by city, county, or nation-state. While ordinary couples spoon themselves to sleep at night, you can master the much-needed skills involved in self-soothing rituals. You can also explore the ways in which a small, furry pet can satisfy your need for company and physical touch.
You can tap into an online community of experts, personal coaches, and fellow LDR's eager to assist you in your struggle to love someone elsewhere. Self-described long-distance lover Besski Livius extols the benefits of loving from afar:
Even if for a while it may be linear during all those months that you stay far from each other, the intensity of your missing of each other and desiring each other and wanting to hold each other is just unbelievable, it’s not even comparable with the missing that you have in a classic relationship.
If Nicole ever feels overwhelmed by the ways in which long-distance love doesn't quite measure up to its promised passion and intensity, Besski offers paid coaching services and products to help long-distance lovers meet their full relationship potential. My guess is that Nicole won't find Besski any more comforting than I did.

Infographic sourced from LDR magazine.
Nicole concludes her essay with the hope that she and Joel will "find each other extraordinary enough to defy geography". At the risk of sounding cynical, I might add that this hope is remarkably similar to the hope of every couple in the throes of romantic love, including those couples who are not currently geographically-challenged.
Is it any less dramatic to admit I hoped my partner and I would find each other extraordinary enough to defy the tendency for our generation to engage in a series of seven-year marriages interspersed with a few years of single parenthood and the occasional career change? For couples today, there are greater distances and dangers than those maintained by physical miles. Nicole, geography might be smallest hurdle to the love you decide to live.
For the sake of full disclosure, my current partner and I did the long-distance dating activity for six months after he moved back to Atlanta. In a now-legendary trail of tears, text messages, and letters, we ended our relationship. He decided to accept a career opportunity in Asia.
Then, one weekend, we ran into each other, got engaged at a truck stop somewhere in Ohio or Kentucky, simultaneously quit our jobs, and spent the next two months doing nothing besides dreaming and planning our wedding. So our LDR had a happy ending. But I can't help thinking the happy ending came about because we elected to drop everything else in our lives and put meat onto our idealizations of one another.
If I stand by any of my previous contentions, it's the one that posits a choice between pragmatism and idealization. My choice leaves me shooting the moon and admiring pies in the sky. The view remains anything but dull.